Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Why I Need Meridth: A Gonzo Tale

When Meridth isn't around I have the tendency to go off the rails just a bit. When she was in NYC for the summer of 2006 I watched all three (at the time) Terminator movies back to back to back, had a severe case of food poisoning, worked 60 hours a week, ate 1500 Otter Pops and ran seven miles every morning. It was a gonzo summer. Suffice it to say that Meridth centers me in an important stabilizing way and when she's gone, things tend to become pear-shaped, like an ill-formed lump of clay on a potter's wheel...


...which leads us to this peculiar photograph. What is it? What does it mean? What does it have to do with my dignity? It's simple really...


BEHOLD THE McZOO!!

Yes, like the cast-off cigarette butts tossed aside by the wheezing emphysemic, these buns are the husks lesft over in the construction of this...this...monstrosity...this abomination. What is it you ask? What drives a man to so alter the natural constitution of the 'burger' phenotype? What was its unholy aim? It's an elegant theory actually...like the ancients in their construction of the Tower of Babel, I only sought to reach the heavens of deliciousness by melding all the varieties of animal flesh offered on the McDonalds menu into one Voltron-like mountain of meat. How could this be a sin?


So one Saturday last month I rolled up to the drive through and ordered one Third Pound Angus Bacon Cheeseburger, one Chicken Selects Chicken Sandwich, and one Fillet-o-Fish...

(Meridth: "It would have been cooler AND grosser if you had the McRib." Edward: "Don't I know it, but you have to work with what's available and Bacon = Pig. Good enough for me.")


Looking at them all just sitting there with their accusing stares was intimidating. Like the Tell-Tale Heart, I was consumed with madness. Working swiftly and with surgical precision I deconstructed the sandwiches, unveiling their meaty cores and combined them, knitting flesh-to-flesh like a culinary Doctor Frankenstein. And the result was no less monstrous and incapable of being loved.


In his epistle to the Romans, Paul called me out as one of the "inventors of evil things" chasing that stupendous and gonzo line between culinary genius and coronary disaster. I ask you: what was the result?


I was so preoccupied with whether or not I could combine so many different meats, I never stopped to think if I should!

Next month I'm going to try to stick two pieces of each type of meat on one sandwich and call it the McNoah's Ark.

10 comments:

redstarmama said...

Do you guys REALLY have to live so far away?! I would have loved to hear this crime against nature described in person!

Mike and Tia Fam said...

Your my new hero, in a really sick i hope i never eat that sort of way.
Mike

Janet Johnson said...

So how did it taste? That's what I want to know. :)

McZoo indeed.

Ben and Jane Grimmett said...

Oh my goodness!!! SO FUNNY!!! Ed we need to meet! I can't stand having such a funny cousin-in-law and not knowing him! Plus then I'd probably get to see Meridth and Uschi!

Josh said...

I'll add to this litany of longing...for Edward (and Family). Why oh why do you have to move within driving distance right when I'm moving myself flying distance away from the midwest?! Oh cruel fate!

Jack Black had a bit about this where he combined Filet-o-Fish and a burger. He called it the McSurf 'n Turf. That was disgusting. What you have created is an abomination.

PS - Love the Jurassic Park reference. Jeff Goldblum would be stammeringly proud.

Justin said...

My only question is why is there a "gleaming the cube" label on this post? other than that this seems totally normal and delicious.

Justin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Edward said...

You caught that, did you? I really REALLY wanted to reference that 1989 classic in the body of the text, but it was already awash with pop-culture detritus so I thought I would use it as a label and use it whenever anything that befits the phrase comes up.

It may be my favorite nonsensical phrase.

betsey said...

There was an NPR article recently about this. Let me find it...

Ah, here you go!

http://www.npr.org/blogs/waitwait/2010/05/10/126672420/sandwich-monday-the-mcdonald-s-secret-menu

This is what I think you need to do next.

Ashley Glover said...

I am disturbed and fascinated all at once.