The Many Many Fast and Furiouses…Furioi…whatever...

Movie review? Movie review.

Edward here. I've been away from my family for a bit now and that means I'm not actively engaged in the roughly 17 billion distinct tasks lumped under the category of 'parenting.'

What am I doing with my spare time? Am I investigating the rings of Saturn with a telescope? Have I composed a new sonnet? Am I reading the latest in East Coast literary fiction, or even keeping abreast of current events?

Nope. I'm watching [The?] [Fast and] Furious 6. (Are they using articles anymore? Is it "A Fast and Furious?") I'm not sure what the ACTUAL title of the film is, but it turns out it's the SIXTH one of these. Can you even believe that?

I mean seriously, they didn't even get around to making "Casablanca 2: The Road to Berlin." Sad.

Vin Diesel, man.

Vin.

Diesel.

Remember when people made movies with Vin Diesel in them? (I mean other than these.) Those were innocent times, man.

Before we launch into a plot synopsis, a word about spoilers. I'm going to basically assume that, if you're reading this, then you have basic brain functions, like you're not a brain-in-a-jar, or in a vegetative state or Encino Man. Did you see the trailer to FF6? Then the conclusion of the climax is basically spoilt anyway.

And in case you didn't, [SPOILER ALERT!] the good-guys are NOT in that plane!

And since you, dear reader, are a person of distinguishing tastes, or refinement and rare intellect, I know (and you do too) that you will guess every beat of the plot. This is a spoiler-proof movie.

The plot: Vin is a noble and now retired automotive based thief with a gang of wealthy peers who live in exotic and beautiful locations with apparent great wealth. The Rock shows up one day and says that the actress who was written out of the series two movies ago wanted back in so...

…apparently all roads led to this.

It's of interest to The Rock because Michelle Rodriguez (who I could never get behind on Lost) is running with a NEW gang of automotive based thieves! But we know that they're badguys because…well at first we're just told that they're bad'uns, but later we see that there's no loyalty in their gang, no sense of family.

And that's the ethos of this film. Whenever a character needs to do something, well family man.

Family?

Yeah man, family.

Well alright, if you say so.

Why would Paul Walker risk life in prison to return to Los Angeles so that he could get very non-essential information for the Plot? Why does Michelle Rodriguez not shoot Vin Diesel to death when they first meet again? Why does her amnesia (!!!) finally start to wear off? Why does The Rock's character (the epitome of law and order) risk his job and countless American lives in the face of a plot twist projected so far in advance that it was legally obligated to change its mailing address? Family.

Or something.

Anyway, there was so much 'honor among theves' that there was no room in the script for physics, which is fine I suppose. I was also left wondering when Professor Charves Xavier was going to show up, because, aside from being attractive enough, this team of super-thieves are clearly mutants with extraordinary powers. They fly, flinch-off  GSWs, some to the chest, are involved in numerous high-speed roll-over automobile accidents unscathed and use cars to shoot down a plane. [See above.]

A character actually says the following: "How did you know there'd be a car there to break our fall?"

You saw the trailer, right? They are not soaring above a marshmallow factory.

She literally characterizes a car as something that will break your fall (as opposed to "your back" or "every bone in your body.") If fact, it's something you want to break your fall, what with all of its shattery glass, sharp edges and the general metal-ness of its body.

To say nothing of the runway in the climactic end scene, which the BBC has addressed "at length." (See what I did there?)

This is not to say I didn't enjoy the film on its own merits. I actually haven't seen a whole Fast / Furious before (Most of one, bits of two, almost all of three, none of four or five, for the record.) and it's silly and inert, but not odious. I enjoyed speculating whether the Vin Diesel's team paid the congestion charge while they were speeding through London's mysteriously semi-abandoned streets, (Picadilly Circus appears at one points and for some reason, the foot traffic is just absent.) and wondering why the McGuffin was conveniently being transported in a tank in the back of a semi. Wasn't the semi enough?

Oh, and Gina Carano is fun to watch, because you're being clumsily pressed to believe somehow that she wouldn't just take Michelle Rodriguez apart in a fight. I mean she's got thirty pounds of muscle on her. And she is literally a professional, and the movie's all like "No no, this is TOTALLY an even match, bro!"

Uh…sorry movie. No

Anyway, I had a quantifiable-unit's worth of fun. You might too.

Liquid Luck

So as luck would have it I have a certain anonymous friend who has a certain anonymous brother who is a film projectionist. Which is why it is 3:43 AM and I just got back from seeing Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I have been impatient to see this movie ever since I thought it was going to be released 8 months ago. So I just about wet myself when I found out that I was going to see the movie 3 days early.

I guess what I would have to say that I was impressed against my will, as this is my favorite of the Harry Potter books and I was expecting to be thoroughly disappointed. Anyway, brace yourself for my half delusional review (mild spoilers included). The overall tone of the film was perfectly creepy. There was a point where I felt like I might have nightmares. (Hopefully that doesn't come to fruition). The acting was superb and the cast has always been a perfect fit, except for the fact that Richard Harris from the first two movies understood how to play Dumbledore much better than Michael Gambon ever did. But I have to say that he (Dumbledore #2) didn't bother me at all in this movie. Quidditch was kept to a minimum that didn't affect the pacing of the film and was a nice break from all the heavy stuff. The special effects were wonderful and the look of the film was delightfully dark. Draco Malfoy haunted the screen and gave great pacing to the film and brought an appropriate sense of uneasiness. The altered death scene with Harry perfectly capable of physically responding whilst Draco confronted Dumbledore was an excellent change of pace. The audience could visually see his trust in Snape being destroyed and I thought this added to the emotional climax of Dumbledore's death. Really, as of now in the wee hours of the morning, my only complaints are Harry's heavy make-up job when McGonagall addresses the three after the cursing of Katie Bell (Harry has on some pretty luscious lipstick and darkened eyebrows), and the scene with Ginny and Harry in the Room of Requirement was unnecessarily awkward with Ginny. (Blech).

Anyway, overall a success. I can't wait to see it again. (I hope it holds up in the re-watching.)

Good night all... or should I say good morning ;)